Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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