Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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