i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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