I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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