I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
