As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
