I wish they made helmets for livers.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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