I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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