If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
