She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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