If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
