I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
