My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
