So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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