I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
