i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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