You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My breath smells like gin and sadness
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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