i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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