please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Randomize