I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
