man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
