you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
