So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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