Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And then my night got REAL pukey
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
