you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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