Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
