i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
