I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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