Your face is a jimmy john
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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