Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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