do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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