She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
