she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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