Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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