My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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