You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
