I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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