when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
