just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
