i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
