so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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