Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
