I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
