I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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