I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
