New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
