i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Everclear isn't food dammit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
