the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I love you. Go after that dick
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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