No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
