Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
