I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
