I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
