I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
