I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
