Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
