my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
