i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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