Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
