The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
