i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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