Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
