Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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