then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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