I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize