Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
